Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Almost There, Going Nowhere

I've decided in the next year something in my life must change or the fire deep inside me that I love, my passion for life, love, dreams, and goals will go out. It will die. So something has to happen... like major that changes my life for the better or I am moving--probably to Seattle. I know it has to happen. Because everything is changing all around me that I have absolutely no control over, and so I'm going to make a change in my life for me that I can control. I cannot keep living this life here in this town with the same old people because it will change who I am in a terrible way. I can't let that happen. I can't keep feeling miserable. I have to be happy and inspired and the only way I see that happening is changing my circumstances and situation and setting. Because the fire is being replaced with water in the sense that I feel like I'm drowning. And you don't need water to feel that way. I miss everything I've never had. I miss everyone I've never met. I miss memories I've never taken part in. I miss the way things never were. There's this unexplainable void in my life. 
I don't have a fear of commitment, I have a fear of abandonment. We all screw things up, I screw things up. Especially with the people I love. I get needy. I get moody. I get distant. I want to be too close. I get confused. I don't understand all of it. But I keep pushing because I hope in this thing, the universe, there's no way I'm the only person out there who wants something this bad. If I want it, someone else out there must too. 
People ask "What's the matter with you?" And I say: "Nothing." Nothing slowly clotting my arteries. Nothing slowly numbing my soul, caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me. When I am nothing they will say, surprised, in the way they are forever surprised, "But there was nothing the matter with her."
Sometimes I can't even make myself get out of bed. I just don't want to see anyone. I'd much rather be alone. But at the same time, being alone is what makes me feel this way. I want somebody to show me that I am worth saving. I need somebody to show me that I am not going to be alone forever.
But maybe, I will be alone forever and need to accept it and stop waiting, wishing for, and wondering about someone who is never going to come.
Lately, I've been thinking about Disney princesses and how awesome and brave they are. They have to be strong and brave because their princes aren't, with the exception of Aladdin. These princesses have to save themselves and risk their lives for these stupid boys who are clueless! And I bet they don't live happily ever after more than half the time. Is love really worth it? I so wish I was a kid again more than anything right now!
My life feels like one endless black hole of de ja vu. It's like a roller coaster that keeps going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and won't stop. There is no stability. Just when things are starting to look up, everything comes crashing down. I want to get off the ride, away from it all, because it's draining the life and happiness out of me.
It's crazy because this year started out with unlimited possibilities and is ending with limitless problems. But I guess the world breaks us all. Afterwards, some are stronger at the broken places. I have to never stop believing you can have a new beginning. Remember that amid all the crap there's always a few things worth holding onto. 
But still it's the world around me and all the people in it and all the while I feel like I am standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up and the inertia of my life plunging ahead and me powerless to stop it. I feel like Rose in Titanic standing at the back of the ship looking over the vast, cold empty ocean, much like her life and mine. Or how it feels. Like I'm standing at a great precipice with no one to pull me back, no one who cares...or even notices. Except this isn't a movie... so there's no Jack to save me. 
 No one will rescue me, so I have to rescue myself. 

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