Sunday, January 8, 2012

Deterioration of the Fight or Flight Response

Lately, I wonder if I disappeared, vanished out into thin air, went missing, would anyone notice?

Would anyone care?

Would it make a difference in anyone's life?

Would I be missed?

Who would come searching for me?

Would people say they missed me? I don't think they'd mean it... most of them... because if they did, why didn't they try to talk to me, be with me, when I was there?

How is it possible to feel so alone when there are 7 billion people in the world, but then again, how do you stand out, be one in a billion? 

When asked if you could have any super power, what would it be? many people say they would want invisibility. I feel like I am invisible. Trust me, it's not all it's built up to be. People look through me, not at me. I am not seen. I sometimes feel as if I am fading away. I miss being a kid. When you didn't have to be anything but yourself and everyone loved it... loved you. I am easy to look at but so so so hard to see.

I am too fragile. I am trapped in glass and I want to break out and breathe deep but I'm too afraid that it will hurt.
I want someone to break me out. I want to be rescued by my prince charming or knight-in-shining-whatever. I want Romeo to save me. I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come.
I think waiting is a little heartbreaking... your heart feels like it's going to shatter because it's bursting, nearly overflowing with love for this person you are waiting to give it to... and when they don't come, you wait wait wait and wonder if it's too late... your heart starts to break a little because it's much too much. When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters or a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world. But it's silent and you almost wish there was noise to distract you from the pain.
I love love & that is unfortunate. Ever notice how sometimes you want something so badly that it will always evade you? That is how love is for me. I wonder if I will ever get my love story... Some days I just want to rip my heart out of me because it is overflowing with love that won't fit in me alone. I'm not sure why I have so much love in my heart. Why not I suppose? Why doesn't everyone? If people focused on loving a bit more, maybe the allocation of our energies would be a lot more productive and peaceful. Where do I get all of the love? It's inside of me. I think we have a choice every moment to be, do, think, say whatever we wish... why not choose love instead of all the other stuff we waste our time with? Love is everything. My downfall is my stupid hopeless romantic heart and blind optimism and believes in fate, magic, and fairytales mentality... I'm basically setting myself up for heartbreak, and there is nothing I can do about it unless a miracle occurs in the form of a boy who proves to me all of it is real and gives me a love story better than the movies. To me, true love is the sweetest thing in life. That's why we're all either in love or looking for love. Sometimes you have to work for it, take chances--especially when life gets in the way--but I believe true, deep love is always worth fighting for.
What I mean is best summed up in a quote from, you guessed it, Grey's Anatomy: "Too often the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be: The people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

I don't want to disappear. I want to be FOUND.
I will be strong lovelies.
I love the new Facebook timeline. I was going back looking at all the things I said, the quotes I posted, and they made me feel better. The things about staying strong, being happy, goals, fighting for your dreams... it's all true. That's why I do this. I write on this silly blog my silly thoughts and share the lovely thoughts of others in the hopes that when you are having hard times, doubts, and insecurity, you can read them, read this, know you belong to this nation of inspiration. You are not alone. Words can heal. If even one person feels better after reading something on this blog, it's all worth it to me.
Stay strong and always believing. 
I know I can't be the only one who feels this emptiness... who feels like they are disappearing... who feels like they are drowning on dry land. I notice you. Struggles give us strength. 
It's my faith in something greater than myself that enables me to do what I have to do, to press forward even though I am tired, hurt, and afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain.
I have to bring my own light, not let the fire in me die out, to the darkness. My heart is on fire and no one can put that out.

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