Wednesday, September 4, 2013

My Eyes Rain as the Sky Cries


         My Eyes Rain as the Sky Cries
          By: Charley Brooke (2012)
Rain or teardrops?
So hard to differentiate 
Falling, falling, nonstop 
Pouring through floodgates
Pounding on roofs and hearts
Rushing like a waterfall
Invisible falling stars of art
Wipe them off, replaced with a plastic doll smile
All because I'm waiting for the good part
Before these tears, raining from these eyes, I drown.
Pull apart. Take apart. Break apart.
When will I be found?
Take me to the rain.
Kiss away the pain.
Bring on the storm, the lightning, the thunder. 
Never again shall we be asunder.
Now I can see clear with no more tears.
He whispered in my ear "Have no fears. I'll be your knight in the night."
It only takes one spark.
To light up the dark.
I pulled you into an embrace
"Why are you sad, boy?"
And I discovered these were tears of joy
Perhaps sometimes the sky cries for us 
In raindrops of happiness. 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A Little More Love & Dr. Oz

My story could fill a novel.
Letter after letter... all 26 of them.
Page after page.
Book after book.
If I were a full time blogger, I could tell you everything...
However, time is limited as I'm sure it is for almost everyone on this planet.
I want to tell you a little more I forgot to mention in my post yesterday. Here goes!

Once upon a time, I was a miserable girl.
I tried to inspire others to make myself happy.
I find happiness in making others happy.
I was in so much pain.
Starting in 2011, it just shot through me like a thousand bullets.
Now what I am about to tell you is not to complain.
I have never once felt sorry for myself in regards to the adversity and trials I've faced... nor for the pain and mysterious disease (which we'd later after much trial and error would find out was endometriosis).
I had the worst pain ever. It was constant. All the time. So bad.
I wanted to just cry and scream because that's how horrific the pain was. I felt at times like I was going to die. I knew with all of me that something was wrong. Very WRONG (and if you read my previous blog post, you'll find I was very RIGHT). I didn't have a clue on what to do. I saw doctor after doctor after doctor to no avail. They seemed clueless, careless, and lacking the knowledge and tools to make proper diagnosis's.
I wished that Dr. House (from the TV show House) was my doctor because then I'd have answers and could fix it. 
That was wishful thinking and until my miracle came, I knew I would just have to tough it out. I would have to ride through the pain. It sounds depressing. However, it was a learning period. I grew stronger than ever before. I kept hope. I knew that God wouldn't put me through any trial I couldn't handle. He will push us to the edge of our breaking points, but never over and is always there for us.
Many of you have probably seen or heard of The Dr. Oz Show.
One random day in April 2011, I decided to do some research on his website. 
There was a segment that would soon film called "Dr. Oz Ultimate Question".
I made the choice to ask him about my ailment. I mentioned my story with the pelvis pain. The pain which prevented me from living a normal life that a 21 year old girl should like. Instead, I was kept in bed most of the time living the life of a 81 year old. I said I wanted help and didn't know what to do because the doctors in my city couldn't figure it out or didn't care. I asked what to do about it since the doctors would all tell me I was too young to have any pelvis or gynocological problems at my age.
Honestly, I didn't think much of it or that I would hear back. OH! I was incredibly wrong! I was surprised when the very next day, my mom came home from work and said the senior executives from the show had called her twice and wanted me to call them ASAP. I was in shock. I was nervous to call them back because it felt so surreal. Yet it was exciting.
That girl who had to spend all of her life indoors trapped like Cinderella or Rapunzel might finally have reason to hope. 
I called the producers and told them my story. 
They were very optimistic and interested in my story. 
We talked for almost an hour. I thought things went wonderful and that this was going somewhere.
They discussed all the details about how they would fly me and one guest to New York City and pay for a hotel so I could be on the show.
At the conclusion of the conversation, the producers told me they would be in contact with me soon about the final decision.
Days went by and I was anxiously awaiting a phone call from the people at the show with their decision as to whether or not I would be on the show which was to film on May 31, 2011.
I sent them an e-mail with information and pictures of my mom and I that they wanted on May 11th. Then they called me on Thursday asking questions for more information about me and my situation. It sounded promising. The man I talked to said he'd be calling me in the next few days. 
All the waiting was driving me crazy because waiting was one of my least favorite things in the world.
I was trying desperately to stay positive. I expected the worst while hoping and dreaming for the best. This would be an incredible opportunity in numerous ways. It could be my only chance to get the best medical help possible, answer my questions, and solve my crazy health mystery. 
I prayed everything would work out. I would be absolutely devastated if I was turned down. After all, there was nothing worse at the time than thinking I had a chance when I really didn't. 
I knew I would cry if I was turned down... uncontrollably. Then again, I would likely cry with tears of joy if I got to be on the show! 
I began to place the idea in my head that no news was good news. 
I hoped.
My pain was becoming more intense, and I couldn't take the not knowing because it has always been one of the worst feelings to me.
Time passed as it does with every unstoppable second and there was still no word from Dr. Oz Land yet. 
I was still waiting, waiting, waiting.
I figured if I got turned down it would be because I lived too far away--on the opposite side of the country! Haha the man I spoke with had no idea where Pocatello, Idaho was! 
Still nothing on Saturday May 21, 2011, I wrote the following journal entry...
"Do I turn left where nothing is right? Or do I turn right where nothing is left? If your presence doesn't make any difference, your absence won't either, right? Sometimes what holds you together and tears you apart are the same thing. I am deciding to live life so completely that when death comes to me like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him to steal. Sometimes there are no time outs, no second chances, it's now or never. Most people don't know who they are that's why they lie. They're afraid someone will figure it out before they do. What we do in life echoes in eternity. I think love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurtles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it's destination full of hope. Our lives are defined by moments, especially the ones we never see coming."

Days later and still no word from Dr. Oz/staff. I assumed it was a no go. I knew it then. I didn't know why I expected differently. I was frustrated that they promised to call back one way or another and didn't. I found it to be entirely unprofessional. I don't care how famous you are, you don't treat people like that, like they don't matter or aren't worth your time. I love the quote by Natalie Portman, "The minute you think you are better than someone else is the minute you need to be slapped in the face." Kindness should be born inside of us like an organ as vital as blood or oxygen. How much better would the world be if kindness was abound?
Unfortunately, it isn't a reality.
That wouldn't stop me from being kind though... from having hope... from enduring. We can choose to be bitter and miserable since life isn't always fair and bad things happen and we don't always get what we want, or we can choose to be happy and savor gratefully the blessings we have which are countless and surround us.
May 31st came and went and I never received a phone call or e-mail from the show. I was not on the Dr. Oz show.
I won't deny the hurt I felt. It was crushing but I had a feeling all would be well.
Everything happens for a reason. 
I made the decision to try and live a life with the pain no matter how limited that life would be.
I went on a cruise with my family in summer 2011... hurting but hopeful.
I found strength in words of others such as:
"Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps this is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick. Opposition is part of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father's love and of our need for the Savior's help. During His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes."
-Elder Kent F. Richards
How lovely is that? We wouldn't know good without the bad. 
We wouldn't know pain without pleasure.
I knew I could make it through. Patience was a lesson I had to learn even if it was one of the hardest things I ever did. Learning to be patient has changed my life for the better. I now know the best things in life are worth the wait. Nothing worthwhile is EVER easy, but ALWAYS worth it.
I made the choice to be happy and see this as a mountain I could overcome. It's funny how when you aren't looking life can show you a better view. Mine did. You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes. It hurts like you wouldn't believe to deal with the rough times, but once the sweet moments of heaven on earth come your way, all of the pain you suffered is forgotten. The sweetness overpowers the bitter completely. I decided that no matter what direction life took I would never stop giving thanks for being alive and living. For being me.
"No matter how upside down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: life is crazily in love with us-wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need when we need it when the time is right."
-Rob Brezny
We never know what will happen, but I believe that good things happen even when bad things happen. What could you not accept if you knew that all things are planned by the one who has your best interests in mind? 
All my life this Haiku by the AMAZING Tyler Knott Gregson held true.
"There are holes in me
pieces I was born without
You are all I lack"
I had faith that I would find my prince. That I would find answers. That I would no longer be this broken girl. I would be whole.
The answer to finding love is letting it find you.
Don't worry and waste your time searching, love will come to you when the time is right and God will give you the best love story, better than you could ever imagine.
I found my Ryan at the perfect time.
The exact time.
I stopped looking and then he came.
We found each other.
I will tell you over and over again that there is nothing better than love.
Now to a few stories I adore.
My momzy (Angie) and I (her oldest daughter).
Momzy is hilarious.
Lets talk about irony.
The day before Ryan started talking to me on Facebook and the beginning of forever began for us, I was living at my parents' home. My mom bought me a book about how to be happy and content being single in life... Haha little did she know I'd be married within five months and meet my future husband the following day. Silly momzy. I love that story. She always wanted the best for me but thought my standards were too high. Let me tell you this: NEVER lower your standards for anyone. You will find what you are looking for and who. Don't settle. There are 7 billion people in this world and one is out there who is perfect for you.

Last cutesy story of tonight:

In April when Ryan I were engaged, he would come visit me every single night or day.
Aww I felt so bad one night. He came over and we watched House and I fell asleep in his warm arms and he scooped me up in them and carried me to my bed and tucked me in since I was so tired and exhausted. I love that boy (husband) of mine! How did I get so lucky?
"Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope, it can out last anything. Love stands still when all else has fallen."

<W/L3 Charley Brooke Syndergaard