Sunday, July 2, 2017

Alive Poets Society

I am more than anyone knows
None of the darkness around me can take me out
The brilliant, beautiful, blinding light that glows
inside of my heart displacing any doubt
When life gives you lemons, you. . .
I see love and my family in shades of white
Well why are you so blue?
We have to get down in these depths to appreciate the heights
I am worth it will always ring true

Who doesn't feel lonely once in a while whether it be lonely for a person, place, feeling, or thing? Sometimes we even feel alone in crowded rooms. Remember, the word alone has never lived inside the word lonely.
It's been a hell of a year for me [over a year]
A literal bit of hell
I didn't know how to bring back the heaven I built on Earth.
I felt surrounded by darkness that would be my constant and only companion.
People all around me tried to tell me that one day things would change. I would find the light again. I didn't want to listen though or more like I couldn't. When you're in the middle of grief it's like you're on another planet and nothing around you makes any sense. It's something you have to get through, push through, endure, fight. There is no shortcut and no way around it.
The light is inside of us.
I am the light.
You are the light.
We are the light.
We chase and search and claw for light like it's something we can find outside of us in someone else or in something. The reality is the light is inside of us all along. The problem is sometimes we let people dim our light to the point where we can't see it or feel it, but it's always there. Always. We are made of light. We have to nourish and feed that light. We can't neglect it. The best, beautiful secret is the more we share our light, the lighter and brighter it grows and glows.
One day, recently, I woke up and could breathe again. I began to not only like but love myself again. I realize I cannot change the past... nor do I want to. All I can change is myself. Now. This moment. I love me. Do I want to fall in love again and find my love story? I'd be a complete and utter liar if I told you anything but a resounding, roaring YES. I hope and pray that there's a man out there who will love and want me someday for forever. 
For now though, I'm surrendering and giving my heart to Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. They love me more than anyone. I am also surrounded by endless, unconditional love from my amazing-in-every-possible-unimaginable-magical way family and friends. And oh my goodness, how I love them all. In the words of my spirit animal Taylor Swift: "She lost him and found herself and somehow that was everything."
That is everything.
(along with the Savior, of course)

I am ready
to take life in my hands (good&bad)
and make it beautiful and mine.

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