Monday, September 11, 2017

My Personal 9/11

Years ago thousands of innocent people lost their lives in senseless acts of violence.
Yet I'm fighting a battle raging within myself for my own life.
It sounds so petty and ridiculous but it's my reality.
Depression and suicide are emotional and mental terrorists invading hearts and minds and souls.
This is what I face daily: my heart, or what's left of it, hurts like hell, pulsating with a fierce, fiery, all-encompassing pain threatening to consume me. I bite back tears, trying desperately to swallow them whole. My soul feels heavy and I slump my tired shoulders down,
down

d
o
w
n

It's stupidly pathetic, but sometimes getting out of bed seems like an award-winning achievement.
Most days I feel empty, useless, and invisible. 
Yes. Most days are really tough.
They rip me wide open, leaving me naked and exhausted, shivering in the cold darkness. 
I want to give up and run far, f a r away or really, truly disappear because nothing makes sense. 
Lets honestly be honest, would you notice if I was gone? Would you care? Cause I feel like I'm slipping away. 
This isn't the declaration of "poor me". This is my haunting reality. 
You see, I feel like a burden on everyone who "loves" me or even takes a second to care. I feel guilty for living like a ghost and would give anything to trade places with the victims of the tragedy who lived meaningful lives that happened on that dark day. 

-excerpt from my journal 9/11/15


 I've overcome more than I ever imagined and am confronted to this day with the overwhelming reality that my depression, like the memories of that unfathomable September day, will never fully go away. It's something you can't run from or hide from or pretend it isn't there. I know this all too well. We're all fighting adversity and now more than even we need to increase our compassion towards each other. That's how we survive. Together. That's why it's called a support system. This world is getting darker and darker. It's easy to be filled with hatred and bitterness and cynicism. It's hard to care and choose love and feel the accompanying emotions... but it's the only thing that makes this world worth living. 
Stand united not divided.

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