Thursday, December 28, 2017

Whatever It Takes

"There's only one thing more precious than our time and that's who we spend it on."
-Leo Christopher

Hello my B-E-A-utiful nation of lovelies.
Lets get inspired, shall we?
Imma start with some time traveling because there are stories from the past that are worth telling.
I want to share them with you.
...
Then we'll get back to the closest-thing-to-perfect present.

Friday December 28, 2007
Ten years ago (makes me feel OLD!)

 "One Hand, One Heart" -West Side Story
Tony- "Make of our hands one hand,
Make of our hearts one heart,
Make of our vows one last vow:
Only death will part us now."
Maria- "Make of our lives one life,
Day after day, one life."
Both- "Now it begins, now we start
One hand, one heart--
Even death won't part us now."

[FYI--I am just as obsessed with WSS today as I was then and I am not ashamed.]

Obviously I'm watching West Side Story because it's my favorite movie. I love this picture of Tony and Maria (above ^). Aww I just adore this movie. Kylie and Jordan were watching it with me, but they fell asleep right before the death/fight scene [spoiler alert]. Haha. We said Riff was Jordan's boyfriend, Bernardo was Kylie's boyfriend, and as always, Tony was my boyfriend. I wish! I am like in love with Tony, haha too bad he's a fictional character. I'm not really in love with him; I'm in love with the idea of him.
Alexia is sleeping over and she and McHale are sleeping in the living room. Today we started painting our room. I'm not a big fan of the color scheme, but change is nice. We are doing three walls brown and one pink. I thought it would be ugly but I like it. We all painted one wall brown and then McHale and Alexia felt sick so they went to the living room. I painted an entire wall pink practically all by myself. Painting got tiring, but it's kinda fun and relaxing. I listened to my "love music" as Sam calls it. I'd say I did a good job.
Wow. So many days I look back on what I write and just want to burn this journal, shred it to pieces, and throw it away and forget about it because I sound stupid most of the time and don't filter what I say. But I KNOW I'd regret it. Despite how lame my life may be, it's still my life and I want to make something of it and remember it.
Okay girl get a hold of yourself. Find the balance between saying too much and not enough. Don't stay stuff you'll regret, but don't leave out something you don't want to forget. The moments in life pass quickly like rainfall so I must write them down so forever I can recall it all. Good, bad, ugly, sad.
Life may have its down turns, but we live, love, learn. Even if tears start pouring and life is boring, this life is mine and I'm going to shine.
Alright, I just got into this free-writing state of mind now. I'm going to copy a song Sam wrote for me in here.
(See below)
....
 For tired eyes or lovelies who can't read my handwriting haha...
"Your coffee eyes tantalize.
Lips perfect as a moonlit star speckled sky.
Your skin is softer than song.
Hair gleaming like ice covered oceans.
Heartbeat quickens in her presence.
Hands quake at her sight.
Mind cracks under her pressure.
You push hard as me in this game.
Your thoughts and mine are the same.
I want you more than men crave glory.
I want to tell our children the story.
How mama and papa came to be.
True love rings in my deaf ears.
I cannot hear music, I only hear you.
You are my perfect song.
All I've been searching out for years.
Hope you feel the same way I do.
That our love is this song.
Every kiss is a new world.
Every embrace is an adventure.
Every day with you is wondrous.
Every word means love to us.
You are my resurrection.
You are my revival.
You are my revolution."
-Untitled song written for (and about) me by Samuel Joseph Garner.
I forget how speechlessly beautiful that song was... That boy can write. That boy puts Shakespeare to shame. 
Sam is so sweet. He is also very creative and talented when it comes to writing music. It's quite amazing.
Today was not normal! I woke up at 7 in the morning and I didn't fall asleep until around 3 or 4 last night! I can't believe I woke up so early, but my arms hurt so bad, worse than they ever have! They ached so badly I couldn't sleep. McHale and Lexie were awake too because they always wake up early and the little kids (sibs) woke them up. So we had breakfast and watched Arthur with them. 
McHale did a second coat on a wall by herself and then Lexie and I helped her paint another wall. While painting, we watched West Side Story naturally even though McHale hates it. Kylie and Jordan helped us paint too. Lexie had to go home. Finally we finished painting! It was a relief.
We spent the rest of the day reorganizing and cleaning the room although we didn't finish entirely. I called Sam and Brooke and invited them over. McHale felt really sick. Brooke came over and we decided to go shopping for room decorations. 

 "I have no idea what to write. Sorry about the kissing dare. I couldn't think of anything else. You're an awesome girl.
Samuel Garner.
Nevermind, I take that back. I'm glad I had you do that dare. And you are an AMAZING kisser!!! :)"
-Sam (wrote that in my journal 12/28/07)
[Gotta love truthing and daring back in the day when you were too afraid to just go for things and take risks)

 "So you are a fantastic kisser. Seriously, everything about you just blows me away. You leave me at a loss for language. Just a glimpse at you brings a smile to my face. Every time I hold your hand I find myself in a haven lost in heaven. Corny as hell, but I like writing it.
Samuel Garner."
-Sam (wrote that in my journal 12/28/07)

 Sam and I came to my house. We went to my room and got out the mistletoe he gave me for Christmas and he took it and held it over our heads and we shared a kiss. It was sweet of him.
We sat on my bed and talked. He let me lay my head on his chest so I could listen to his heart and feel him breathe. I loved that. Everything seems okay when he holds me in his arms. He told me he loved me and I freaked out and told him he was crazy and didn't mean it because I didn't think it was possible to fall in love so fast. I mean love in general scares me. He left a little before one.
I called Brie ASAP and told her that Sam told me he loved me and I told her what I said. She called me stupid and said I shouldn't have said that because it was possible. She was right but you know my little unsure mind that does the thinking for me. Charley needs to listen to her heart a little more... indeed. I believe I'm falling in love with Sam.
Oh my that scares me! I don't want Sam to break my heart if I give it to him. Because we all know if he did, I'd totally cry my eyes out and give up on love and become bitter and really end up moving to Seattle and becoming some lonely, beautiful, single cat lady with Lexie. HAHA. However, I trust Sam, I don't think he'd do such a thing, at least not if he really truly does love me which I believe he does. He's amazing. He sang Death Cab's I'll Follow You Into The Dark for me tonight!!!
I always, my entire life, have wanted to fall in love, dreamed of it, and knew I would. The thing is I sorta created this dream boy in my head. I mean I didn't have a name or face for him, but I came up with all the qualities I wanted in him. I even talked about it in past journals. I just never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would fall in love with Sam Garner. I mean it's not a bad thing. I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason, but I just never pictured Sam as "the one". But it's a good thing. That's funny our names are Sam and Charley! Like the LDS movie Charly.
I love Samuel Joseph Garner like he loves me.

 "It's so easy to think about love, to talk about love, to wish for love, but it's not always easy to recognize love, even when we hold it... in our hands."

I'll end this entry with a letter Sam wrote me...
"Dearest Charley,
This is the letter I promised you. I suppose I should begin with saying that I believe you are the most incredible girl I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of meeting. You have done so much for me. My life is changed, all because of you. I have seen your mind and concluded you are truly the amazing girl wonder [you can find the song Amazing Girl Wonder that Sam wrote for me on ITunes by his band Cruise Control :) ] As I gaze into your eyes I see endless, eternity, the shred of love I have vainly searched for. I have found impostors of such feelings, hollow shells of hell laced with an urge to dive into abuses of substances and self. Madness haunted the subconscious and awakened parts of the mind... until I met you.
I must be a fool, for I utter things meant to be kept within. Dear, the nickname bestowed upon you is of my make, is evidence of such. I have made the proclamation: I love you... such a simple sentence. I wonder how it can be so tender, yet so wounding. It has stabbed my heart once, and the scar reminds me of these words, but still my heart screams it whenever you are there. Warmth, beats of the heart, all instruments in the symphony of love... every time I meet you.
You know so much about me, and I about you. I have composed two songs already about you. Difficulties for me involve releasing my inner most thoughts, I allow myself to do so in writing or song, never to be spoken by mine own voice until I met you.
Continuously, I watch for your call. I love the sound of your voice. When you rest your weary head upon my chest, just to listen to my heartbeat while I gently breathe, I find my home I've searched for. My soul is no longer alone, but entwined in love. You bring life to my spirit.
Sam."
<3 Charley Brooke

FOR THE RECORD:
I do not love Sam anymore. We've moved on. We lived entirely different lives. However, I'll forever treasure and fondly look back on the two and a half years we were in a relationship. Sam will always be a part of my heart. I am forever thankful for him being in my life at that time... when I called him mine and he called me his... more importantly, that we called each other "best friend". Even though we went our separate ways and live different lives, I will never regret loving Sam with my entire heart for those years.
He showed me what it felt like to be treated like a princess. 
He showed me in words---and most importantly, ACTIONS--what a healthy, normal, endearing, unconditionally loving, empowering relationship looked and felt like so that I knew when the time came (which I never imagined occurring in even my worst nightmares) where I found myself in an abusive, controlling, manipulative relationship years later. Sam gave me something to contrast it with.
You don't hurt the ones you love.
You don't physically harm those you love... especially a girl.
Sam wholeheartedly believed those things and never once did he hurt or abuse me. He put me first.
I wish the best for him, his new life, and his family.
#CharSam #amazinggirlwonder #firstlove
Our first love is when we are young, high school even (Sam and I dated between the ages of 18-20).
It's the idealistic love; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It's a love that looks right.

Wednesday December 28, 2011
Six years ago.
 The game of Quelf.


I've wanted to make this, the last week of 2011, the best one, the one to never forget, one worth remembering. That's not exactly promising.
Mom and Jord are in Vegas until Thursday. They left today. Mom called me tonight to let me know she got me Kate Walsh's Boyfriend perfume! I am so excited for my new BOYFRIEND! This one will never hurt me ;) That made this night a little better. 
I took Jared and Christian to lunch today at Panda Express since it's like their favorite.
Tonight, I went and got pizza and pop and had Brie, Tyson, and Matt over for dinner, games, and a movie. Chrish had Jared and Carson Bechtal over. They played video games all night long. I wish I'd just sat up here alone tonight to be quiet honest. It turned into a disaster. Ugh. Matt was beyond distant. We ate and then played Quelf. Matt doesn't really like that game. I could tell he wasn't really having fun. It bothered me a bit how Matt doesn't seem to appreciate all that I do for him. I don't do it because I'm seeking praise, but he acts so ungrateful like the words "thank you" are a foreign language he isn't fluent in. He didn't thank me once for dinner. He acted weird. I don't mean to be mean, but seriously! I, again, go unnoticed. It's like nothing I do is good enough. I'm not appreciated. This saddens me. I try too hard and end up heartbroken.
Haha lets lighten things up a bit... at one point tonight, I was Googling the lyrics to Patty Cake so Matt (who was sitting under the dining room table) and Tyson could sing it while wearing Matt's belt wrapped around my head like a ninja as Brie dumped Bob's change jar all over the ground frantically searching for 68 cents exactly... True story. If you've played Quelf, you understand that this is perfectly normal! It's a fun game! I highly recommend it. Good times.
After the fun and games, we all went to the theater room to watch a movie. We let the boys choose. Their choice was The Proposal. It was cute. I'd never seen it before. I love Ryan Reynolds so very much. He needs to marry me! Matt and I sat in a love seat. I might as well have sat alone in the front row by myself. Matt didn't want to cuddle at all. It was like I had cooties or Ebola or was infected with a deadly disease. At one point, I tried to hold Matt's hand. I made the first move and he pulled away.
Mood=morose.
I've made up my mind. At that moment, I realized this was the last time I'd ever hang out with Matt. I can't do it anymore. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless. Romance and love are hopeless. I like him. I am getting feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same or like me. Unrequited. I can't pretend those feelings don't exist, nor can I hide them. I won't let myself fall deeper. I have to just cut our ties now. There is nothing (well almost nothing) worse than continuing to hope I have a chance when it's an impossibility. It feels real from the outside but the inside is hollow nothingness. Why do I keep meeting people who leave and exit my life at the pace of a revolving door? I can lock everyone in my heart--forever there they will stay--unfortunately, I cannot keep them in my life.
I am tired of boys and their endless lies and games. They say they're "not like the rest" well just saying that is meaningless and makes them e x a c t l y like the rest. You have to prove it in actions, not just words.
Where to miss? (you may ask since I'm sick of writing)
To the stars... *
Imma end with some quotes.
"I've come to believe that in everyone's life, there's one undeniable moment of change, a set of circumstances that suddenly alters everything."
-Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven

"Don't Wait For The World" by Jacob Gann
We're agonized by awkwardness but crucified for confidence.
So which one are you gonna be?
We're looking at everyone else to define ourselves.
As if how we're seen is how we see.
So don't wait for the world to tell you who you are.
Because the world won't wait for you
to tell you what you aren't
so just run away from everything they say.
They don't know themselves anyway.
Don't let how you're seen be how you see.

"Rose, you're the most amazingly astounding, wonderful girl, woman, that I've ever known. I'm not an idiot. I know how the world works, but I'm too involved now. You jump, I jump, remember?"
-Jack Dawson

"What if all you lack
has always lived inside me
and in me alone?"
-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your soul."
-Henry Ford

"Something keeps me holding on to nothing."

"And the dangerous thing about excuses is that if we recite them enough times, we actually come to believe they are true."
-Robin Sharma

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
-Maya Angelou

"I'll get through today
whatever it will bring if
you're my tomorrow."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

Now some words from my spirit animal (Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer)








#oth #peytonsawyer #peoplealwaysleave
<W/L3 Charley Brooke

Friday December 28, 2012
Five years ago
 "Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is one of the most attractive things you can do."

 Lambsey & Charsley. BFT (Best Friend Twins)
Twins 7 Years Apart IRL.
10/14/1989
10/14/1996

 Ditching the family Christmas party >)

"I fought because I had found peace in her. Because I knew I could find rest in her touch that somehow both burned me up and washed me clean."
-Ky Markham, Crossed, by Ally Condie

Today was my last day of work for this year!
I also have next week off which is exciting. Bob's family Christmas party was today. I came to it after I worked. All of his family was there like the one two years ago except for Mitch. I talked to his sweet mom Maurie who said he had to work or something; since he was the only one who really got close to us last time, Chrish and I said hi to everyone and figured the 50 or so people/family wouldn't realize our absence or notice if we went missing or care. We told mom we were going to get a pop and that we'd get her one too.
We fulfilled our promise and returned with sodas... at 5:00pm (about two hours later) aka when the party was ending :) Haha we ended up going to Ming's Cafe for lunch. 
Those are our fortunes.
I've never seen a misspelled fortune until today.
I am quite certain that Lambsey's fortune is supposed to say "Let the sun shine on your soul" instead of "Le the sun shine on your soul" but then again I thought the point of fortunes were to predict an event or happening in your future such as "The sun will shine on your soul". The way they are is more like generalized advice or statements. Fortune cookie companies need to get it together!
Well after lunch, Lambsey and I had a fun filled afternoon shopping. We went to the mall and ran into grandma and grandpa, Dylan Miles, and Ryan Robison. 
Later tonight when all of the family had left except for Bob's brother Jared and his lovely wife Shannon and their adorable four little kids (who stayed the night last night and are staying again tonight) and Britton. It was a relaxing, mellow night.
<W/L3 Charley Brooke


Thursday December 28, 2017
Present Day.

 "Time is very slow for those who wait. Very fast for those who are scared. Very long for those who lament. Very short for those who celebrate. But for those who love, time is eternal."
-William Shakespeare
 The purity of a kiss.
I think kissing is the most pure and raw form of physical contact there could ever be.
Sex is intimate, sure, but you can have sex with anyone. A kiss though, my god.
A kiss can change your world. A small touch between two pairs of lips can blow your mind. Whether it be short and sweet, or long and intense. And when you find someone that looks at you like you're more beautiful than a blossoming rose; you never want to feel another's lips against yours ever again.
Seth, I'm hoping you're my last first kiss.

 "You are a poem written with flesh and bones and tiny particles of glittery stars and everything beautiful I am fated to love."
-Anita Krizzan

 The earth without art is just eh.

 You must stop the haunting thinking that you are not enough for me. You spend so much time being exhausted with yourself that you truly forget nothing can ever steal away the way in which I love you. I love you without rewards, without reasons and without days: For in my eyes the clocks sleep and the seconds dream every moment your hand is curled around mine.

 SLC Temple Square/Lights Date 12/25/2017
Best Christmas Ever.

 "I don't think I fall in love with you in a single moment.
I think I'm falling every day and there's no end in sight."
-Alicia N. Green

 Loves me like I'm brand new.

 You're so gorgeous. I can't say anything to your face (cause look at your face).
Ocean blue eyes, looking at mine, I think I might sink and drown and die.

 The badass princesses save themselves in this one :)
Seeing this fiercely, strong, bombshell of a best friend made my night.
I love you Yuki.

 Y u k i
C h a r l e y
Z u r i y a h
Z a y l e e
We live in a generation that is highly skilled at allowing connections to fade away. Because of social media and cell phones, we think people are replaceable, and that's silly. You cannot replace the energy of someone who is genuine especially if they're putting consistent effort out, to be in your life. Appreciate them, cherish them, those people are gold.
These girls are gold.
They are the family I choose and love love love.

Lovelies, happiness doesn't even scratch the surface or begin to define how HAPPY I am in my life right now. 2015-2017, hell mid 2013-2017, have been battles, fighting for life (literally), nearly dying, breaking down, wanting to disappear and not be here anymore... but they've also been full of joy, love, miracles, and magic. I wouldn't trade all the pain and hell I've suffered through for the beauty and heaven that is my life now. I have no words for this. I thought I knew what happiness was, but oh my goodness I had no idea. This is happiness. It's everything. My life isn't perfect by any means, nor am I. There are still bad days. There are moments I doubt myself. There are times I look in the mirror and don't like the face I see staring back at me. But mainly, I feel confident. I feel pretty. I feel beautiful--inside and out. I am making progress and working hard and pursuing my dreams and passions with every fiber of my being. I love that I literally have the most incredible family and friends ever created. I do. They bring me more joy that I feel I deserve. I am abundantly loved and my heart bursts with love for all of you. I have to shout out to my wonderful family--mom, dad, Tressa, Bob, Tyler, Hope, Britton, Jordan, Colton, Tanner, McHale, Jordan, and Christian, I love you all with my entire heart. I feel so blessed to be your daughter, your sister, your friend. We may not see each other everyday, but you're in my thoughts and prayers always. I am insanely proud of all of you and the lives you're creating. 
My friends--Tyson, Aubrey, Heather, Taya, Hillary, Paige-Madison, Paige Collier, Yuki, Leigh, Karly, Sara, Liliya, Stacie, Deedra, Madison, Megan, Haylee, Krystal, Simone, Andie, Alexia, Eros, Katie, and the rest of you--I LOVE YOU all. My love is infinite. I am always here for you. You all bring light into this dark world and it's breathtakingly beautiful. I'm overwhelmed to call myself your friend. You are among the best people to walk this planet. You're all changing the world in your own unique, lovely ways and it's such an honor to hear about it and be a part of it. Seriously, hands down #friendshipgoals #squadgoals You're all killing it and it's inspiring. I cannot wait for the memories we'll make in 2018 and forever to come.
And to my love, Seth...


You came into my life so unexpectedly.
I was going to write you out, resigning myself to loneliness... and you fought for me and chased me and are dating me. Now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend it's just pure heaven. Every moment together is exactly what I picture heaven to be like. It's like I've known you my entire life but we've only known each other less than a month! You know my scars and I know yours. We know each others imperfections and our love transcends that and will overcome anything and everything. You're perfect to me. I love that we push each other to be better people and that we inspire one another to grow and work past our flaws. I love how we can be funny and serious and laugh and cry and be ourselves without shame or fear. We connect on every single level. I knew right away that you were it for me. There were no reservations or second thoughts. Once we saw each other, in an instant in my heart, soul, and bones, my soul was created to be with yours. I look forward to our future and getting to know more about you and fall deeper in love with you every single day in every single way. I love talking beach wedding plans with you even though we obvs aren't going to be getting married or engaged ANYTIME soon. We might not even ever end up together forever, although we hope so. We will get there if and when we're supposed to. You love me like I've never been loved. And I love you with all of me, every fiber of my being, unconditionally and irrevocably. This is not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard and we're going to have to work at this every day, every hour, every second, but I want to do that. Because I want you. I want all of you. You and me. Every day. Forever.
I believe in true love.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe that love conquers all.
And that doesn't mean there won't be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be. But finding that person who does it for you and knowing that person loves you back just makes everything so much easier. Worth it. 
Love--real love--is invariably the story of two troubled people who understand and accept each other's troubles, but choose to face them together with love.
Seth I didn't plan on falling in love with you (love was the last thing on my mind), and I doubt you planned on falling in love with me, but once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We are falling in love, despite our differences, and we are creating something rare and beautiful. Something we hope will be eternal.
My greatest wish is that this is the end of all the endings because my broken bones are mending.
I love you.

OHHH and today (well technically yesterday 12/27/17) I took Seth on a surprise date.
We went to the Utah Museum of Contemporary Art, then to the Murray Library to donate blood, followed by dinner at the Blue Lemon (poor Seth is dating a girl who eats like a five year old haha... but he is going to work on it and I'm willing to try to expand my food choices), visiting the loveliest of lovelies Yuki and her two darling daughters, and then came to my home and cuddle and watched TV. I love how much fun we have together... whether we're doing everything, something, or nothing. Every moment is gold.

Here's to 2018 my nation of lovelies.
Aspire to inspire.
The best is yet to come.
You have to believe it and make it happen.
Life is meant to be lived and loved and enjoyed.

<W/L3
C


 "Falling too fast to prepare for this.
Everybody hoping they could be the one.
I was born to run, I was born for this.
Whip, whip
Run me like a race horse
Pull me like a ripcord.
Break me down and build me up.
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip 
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up.
Whatever it takes.
Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins.
I do whatever it takes.
Yeah, take me to the top.
I'm ready for whatever it takes.
Always had a fear of being typical.
Looking at my body feeling miserable.
Always hanging on to the visual.
Looking at my years like a martyrdom
Everybody needs to be a part of 'em
I was born to run, I was born for this.
Hypocritical, egotistical
Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box.
An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost
I'm an apostrophe
I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see.
And yet a masterpiece.
I'll do whatever it takes."
-Imagine Dragons
P.S. HAIR GOALS TODAY!






















No comments:

Post a Comment